When I was a kid, I learned it was polite, and more or less expected, that when someone would ask how you are you should respond, “I am fine, thank you.  How are you?”.  I learned to expect the same kind of response in return, after which I was told it was time to move on.

I remember being told that was the polite thing to say/do because no one really cared enough to hear how you were really doing.  No one wanted to hear you complain or whine about your problems because we all have problems.  Honestly, that never sat well with me as a kid.  I couldn’t rationalize why someone would ask such a question if they didn’t care.  

Many of us are taught, as I was, that asking someone how they are is the nice thing to do…it’s a type of greeting…not a question we really are supposed to expect the full answer to.  After all we are in too much of a hurry.  We don’t have the time for other people’s drama or to hear about the bad stuff in their lives.  Afterall, we have enough of that in our own lives, right?  

And let’s be honest, when someone does really share their true answer to that question, the response from the other person is usually one of rejection, horror, uncomfortableness, etc.  People just aren’t equipped for that kind of truth. It’s off script. It’s not the accepted norm and it throws people off.

I find this to be a maddening cycle that is terribly unhelpful. While sharing all your personal woes with complete strangers is certainly not the best plan, as a society we do need to stop using the F word. The reality is that on any given day, most of us are not FINE. We all have stuff in our lives, personally and/or professionally, that is weighing on us, creating stress for us, troubling us. But we’re conditioned to keep it to ourselves, which is a very unhealthy habit when it comes to mental health.

What we all need is a small circle of friends, family, or confidants in whom we can truly confide.  And in some cases, this can include a therapist or counselor.  It is in these groups that we should be sharing our real answer to the that “how are you” question. We don’t have to be overly dramatic about it, but when you’re struggling because parenting is hard, you’re unhappy in your job or in a relationship, or you’re filled with anxiety about what tomorrow holds for you in some aspect of your life, talking about it can make all the difference for our mental health and wellbeing.

Often by just sharing our thoughts and feelings we discover we are not alone. That in and of itself can lift a huge weight off our shoulders, as we often think we are the only ones feeling this way or going through this kind of thing.  After all no one else talks about this stuff and everyone on social media appears to have a near perfect life, so clearly, I’m the only screw up here. Right?  If you haven’t had that thought or felt that way, I’m sure you know someone who has. Sadly, we are conditioned in this way and it’s terribly detrimental to our mental health and well-being.

Which brings me back to “stop using the F word”. When a colleague or someone you are less close with asks how you’re doing consider responding with something a bit more realistic but not too revealing.  Something like I’m hanging there, I’m doing my best today, I’m taking it one day at a time, etc.  And for those closest to you try being even more honest saying something like I’m really struggling with the loss of my mom, I’m feeling like a bad parent after the argument I had with my kids this morning, I don’t know what the purpose of my life is and I feel lost, I am so mad at my boss right now, I feel like I’m spinning, etc.  Whatever it is you are feeling.  Don’t be afraid to identify it.  If you’re sharing with people who truly care about you, they will want to know. They will care. They may or may not be able to relate, but at the basal emotional level they have very likely felt the same way about something in their lives as well. It’s a connection point. It’s a way to know/feel that you aren’t alone and that is very important.

So please, stop using the F word. It’s ok to not be fine all the time and to admit it. It’s ok to be the glorious mess that you are today and every day. Namaste.

Please note this blog is a compilation of my personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings on this topic.   I am not a counselor, nor I am giving counseling advice in this blog.  If you are struggling and need help from a counselor or therapist, please seek help from those qualified to assist you.